What would you ban if you were president?

Looking at the raft of Donald Trump's executive orders, says Carol Midgley in The Times, they essentially boil down to what's on his list of "Things That Are Getting on My Tits". And we've all got one of those, haven't we? My first executive order would be an instant fine for anyone using the sickly phrase "making memories" – "just say you're going on holiday, you soppy Instagram pillock". Same for "busy boasters" who want you to know they are "so busy they literally don't have time to type a word", by abbreviating "thanks" to "tks" or "best wishes" to "BW" – "a full-on taser to the buttocks for that".

There are plenty of old gripes that need action too. Spending 20 minutes in an airport security queue but only taking your coat off when you get to the front. "Sorry – no holiday for you." Posting a photo of your coffee because it's got a heart shape in the froth. "Bore off!" I'd also ban autocorrect, leaf blowers, artificial grass, fireworks, loud hand dryers and the phrase "packing on the PDA" alongside a photo of two celebrities kissing. I'd veto "See it, say it, sorted", the use of "uni" instead of "university", and saying "I tell it like it is" when you really mean "I'm rude". Oh, and I'd definitely ban piccalilli, because it smells atrocious. And if I couldn't do that, I'd rename it "rancid halitosis paste". See? I "tell it like it is".

🧢🐴 A month ago, we asked readers of The Knowledge what would go on their list of "Things I Hate". Sir Hooky Walker suggested baseball caps worn the wrong way round – and in fact baseball caps "worn by anybody other than Americans" – along with the misuse of the word "incredible". Elspeth Weisberg hates recorded messages that tell you "your call is important to us", when it's clearly "not important enough to have a person answer" the damn thing. Peter Rylett isn't keen on "attention-seeking idiots who stammer, on purpose, during radio interviews", or lorries that have the word "horses" written on them ("so what?"). The curtest response came from Julie Peters: "If I had to write a list of 'things I hate', writing a 'list of things I hate' would be first on it." Thanks Julie, noted.

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